Parenting: The days are long but the years are short

My eldest daughter left for University yesterday, for the first time. The trip to the airport was a wonderful, happy, excited, slightly nervous one; the drive back was a much quieter and different one. And it's been quiet and different at home since.

Nothing remarkable there of course; most kids leave home at some point; families adjust; the world goes on. Indeed, that's a big part of what we mean when we say 'the world goes on'. But it'll be interesting to see exactly how things settle. At the moment there's a big Ruth-shaped hole in conversations, and I am wondering if things will just generally be quieter, or if the other two children will 'expand' to fill the gaps. Coming from a family of seven, I do not remember many silences at the dinner table; but I wonder, in retrospect, if perhaps that made for a cacophony, rather than space for genuine, thoughtful conversation. Perhaps we should welcome more gaps in the conversation!

Of course, this is familiar ground for any teacher who knows that the absence of an existing student, or the addition of a new student can completely change the dynamic of a class, for better or worse. It also applies more widely for us all in any type of work that requires collaboration - in meetings, presentations or informal conversations. Writer Susan Cain has suggested that what she called the 'extrovert ideal' has come to permeate our culture (it certainly dominated my childhood dinners!). Famously arguing that introverts have as much to offer, Cain reminds teachers that we need to look for active, not just loud participation in class - and they really are two different things. We can be sensitive to the fact that joining a conversation comes more easily for some students than for others.

We also know, however, that interacting with others is often the best way to learn; and this surely applies within families as much as schools. Adam Grant cites research explaining that a major reason firstborn siblings tend to outperform younger brothers and sisters is that they take on role of teacher, and 'the teacher gains more than the learner in the process of teaching'. So introversion/extraversion aside, it's a good things to get students collaborating as long as we do not overdo it. In classes, good teachers can deftly manage things so that group work is not intrusive, and this still leave room for quiet students. At home it's a different story, and the load on the eldest should not be underestimated. Thomas Newkirk writes 'A friend of mine who has two boys, one in kindergarten and one in middle school, was discussing with her husband the possibility of a third child. The older boy, overhearing the conversation sighed and said 'Guys, I don't think I can do this again!'

None of this changes of course, the different feel that come with changes in family or group membership, and there's a good reminder there I think. I was talking to a frazzled colleague with young kids while my memories of my lovely and now-distant 18 year old as a hyperactive toddler are particularly acute. I think the thought of grown-up kids seemed as appealing to him as the thought of an infant to cherish did to me; and I remembered Gretchen Rubin's wonderful summary of being a parent - 'the days are long but the years are short'.

The short drive home from the airport was also long.

References

Cain, S. (2013) Quiet. Broadway Books
Grant, A. (2016) Why we should stop grading students on a curve. New York Times September 11, 2016.
Newkirk, T. (2017) Embarrassment Heinemann Books
Rubin, G. (2015) The Happiness Project Harper Paperback