Tuesday, 5 March 2019

Talking with our children about school while avoiding "helicoptering"


This post (and probably next week’s too) has been inspired by some great exchanges about my recent book review of Julie Lythcott-Haims’ How to Raise an Adult. Thank you for the correspondence! The book was a call to arms for parents who are thinking about the balance between supervising our children and fostering their independence – and it suggests that we need to prioritise the latter, at least in High School. 

But as many of you pointed out, questions immediately arise - for example:
  • How can we be present in a teenager’s life without being a helicopter parent?
  • How can we follow the book’s advice to back off while still maintaining close, loving, supportive relationships?
  • How can we show concern over what happens at school without interfering ?
  • How should we talk with teenagers who can be combative and react badly to advice?
These are great questions because it’s often fear of loss of relationship that can drive over-parenting. I want to offer a reflection on how to talk with kids, here, while of course being aware that every family is different, and that cultural practices will of course differ. Underlying what follows is the fundamental assumption that our children have the resources to succeed, with support but not direct instruction from us, and a guiding principle here is beautifully articulated by E E Cummings:

since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you...

Cummings says that feeling has to precede any other details if we want to connect with anyone. As far as our teenagers go, I want to suggest that we proceed by conversations where we ensure our children feel heard. So as parents we should focus less on the details of the right answer, or providing solutions, or accuracy. If the way our children feel is OK, the rest will follow. And the best method here of ensuring someone feels heard is to paraphrase them.

Simply paraphrasing back to someone what they say can have a massive effect. That may seem surprising; but it fits with what we probably know about ourselves - when we say our ideas out loud (even just to ourselves, in private) we understand them better and feel differently about them. Of course, this does not mean telling someone what they have just said word for word (that quickly becomes intolerable) but seeking to understand the meaning of what someone is saying, and to use that to respond (trying to do that has the wonderful effect of making us better listeners too).

This is not the place for detailed theory of paraphrasing – but as you can see from the examples below, there are four types (see after tables for explanation):



Note: Responses to the top statement like well, studying is more important or you cannot miss Pete’s 18th party may or may not  accurately express our parental views, but may not lead to productive conversations, and certainly do not promote independent thinking.
Note: Responses to the top statement like meetings are fact of life in the work place, so get used to it or so you need to step up and take a leadership role might not be helpful in developing self-directed children
Acknowledging This paraphrase serves as a mirror to the speaker – and if you get it wrong, the speaker will often elaborates, making necessary corrections. Stems tend to be “In other words…” or “You’re feeling….” Or “Your wondering…..”

Organising This paraphrase seeks to distinguish several things from each other when the speaker may be jumbling them. “So there are three things here….” or “You’ve mentioned two areas….”

Shifting levels Up and Down. These are all about abstraction, and it can help to think of levels of abstraction. If someone is talking about cars, then abstracting down might be to talk about the Honda you drive to school in, and abstracting up might be to talk about transportation.

Deciding which is the most effective paraphrase is no easy matter, and take some practice, but the one word acknowledgement of emotion (frustrating!) is a good starting point, that might invite some further conversation and hopefully avoid the frustration being directed at you, as parent. 

So here’s an exercise, gentle reader, that you can think about before trying out on your children (or spouse). Get a willing partner. Person 1 reads out a statement, and person 2 tries to find different types of paraphrase. Then swap roles for the second statement, and so on.

(There are negative aspects to all these examples; if there were not, this would not be difficult, so that’s why I have used them)

  • Everyone hates me, I have no friends.
  • I didn't make the role I auditioned for, I’m so sick of it. I’m pulling out of the production.
  • There’s this really irritating person who seems to follow me at school, I wish they’d just leave me alone.
  • I had the best day ever but I can’t tell you why as you would soooooo disapprove.
  • I’ll never get the hang of Physics, it's too hard and the teacher never explains anything
There is no magic solution to how to get along with teenagers and show an interest without them feeling suffocated, and some conflict is normal. But I know from my own personal and professional experiences that the ways we talk are as much indicators of successful outcomes as what we say. It’s an idea I would have rejected as a young man, but that I have come to appreciate and that I’ve written about that before (How to talk to teenagers and Conversation with students). Feedback from my previous blog suggested that this might be a welcome provocation, and I hope it’s helpful.


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