Overcoming Perfectionism - a student perspective

I have often written about the dangers of perfectionism to the wellbeing of our children (or, indeed, ourselves); also the need for us to have learning that is personally meaningful; also the fact that schools should be nurturing qualities such as self-awareness; and also the way that one can blend areas of learning to make them more powerful.

Today's post is about all of these; it's written by a student, Aarushi Sachdeva, whom I have had the pleasure to teach for couple of years, and who has given me permission to re-print. It comes from our Theory of Knowledge course, which seeks to locate students' own intellectual and personal worldviews in a framework for transparent inquiry and to use this to develop deeper understandings. Her writing here followed a few lessons where we explored the lenses through which we see the world - our paradigms, and how they can impact us without us even being aware. The prompt was simply to identify and explain how the idea of paradigms might be applied in our own lives.  Aarushi responded with this:

I remember since grade 6 I have been adamant about the idea of being a ‘perfect’ person, maybe because someone randomly told me I was so. Although my perfectionism showed up in my work, I remember when I was younger it was more about being able to do everything, being able to excel on the swim team, doing the production, doing service, dancing, academics of course as well, and I wanted to be the best at them all.

Fast forward to grade 9/ 10. I was hit by the procrastination bug. It started with me doing my assignments last minute and later in the year ended up with me submitting one task 2 months late. I had trouble communicating with my teacher why I had pushed my work back so much, because I myself did not understand why. So instead of talking to her about it, I avoided the subject. On the due date, when I still sat with a blank document, I shyly approached her asking her for an extension. Thank god my teacher was the most patient person. She kindly extended the deadline for me. This problem persisted for a couple more submissions, and then she decided to talk to me about it. She told me that the reason for my procrastination is a result of my fear of failure and my desire to be perfect in the first attempt. Until then I had associated my procrastination with laziness, but when she talked to me about perfectionism, it all made so much sense. One of my biggest insecurity is my writing skills, especially when someone else has to read it. So I delayed working on my assignment until I had the most polished idea in my head, and the best vision of how to structure my writing, even before I got to writing the first word. How ridiculous is that! I was also too afraid to ask for help because it would often be 2 days before the deadline and the teacher would see I haven’t started my work. And besides, a perfect person would know how to deal with a problem themselves without asking for help right? (I have now realised that this reluctance to ask for help is my ego).

Although I realised that I viewed my actions through the paradigm of perfectionism, back in grade 9/10, I only recently understood the ridiculous nature of this paradigm. In the summer, I read a book called Culture is the Body, by Takashi Suzuki, for my Extended Essay. Just for a little context, Suzuki is a theatre practitioner who has devised a method of actor training dedicated to building the will and expressive faculties of an actor. Suzuki’s training is very physical and has a set structure and technique that needs to be followed. In the introduction of the book, Kameron Steele, a member of Suzuki’s theatre company, talks about the asymptotic relationship between an actor and perfection. He says that it is impossible for an actor to perfect the technique of Suzuki’s training, but in every training session, they get that much closer to being ‘perfect’. Such a simple idea right? One we are constantly reminded of. He also spoke about living in the question rather than in the answer, which means dwell less on the outcome and instead focus on the process. Ideas that I had heard so many times over the years suddenly made so much sense to me when I read this book. I started to understand the value of redrafting work and started to realise how ludicrous it was of me to expect myself to write anything perfectly in the first go.

Throughout all of this, I also realised how I viewed myself through a different paradigm than others . I am able to easily accept someone even though they are not perfect, and would easily preach to friends about how nonsensical it is to be perfect at everything. But I would continue to critique myself through this paradigm of perfectionism. I always knew I was being a hypocrite but I never found it wrong to hold myself to a much higher standard.

But now that I have realised that I carry this paradigm, I am working on being kinder to myself. I have realised that I could do all the activities in the world and be perfect at them all, only if I did them all in parallel universes. This paradigm is still far from disappearing, but it is on its way out. Although I am still afraid if I lose it, I won’t have the same drive to work. But I am working on understanding the concept of ‘doing the best in your own context’

So here's what I have learnt: that how easily a person shifts paradigms is dependent on how long they have been accustomed to their original paradigm and what they perceive to be the ramifications of adopting another paradigm.

It's a powerful example of transformative learning when a student uses a TOK lesson to draw on other Diploma subjects (Theatre in this case) to shed light on her own changing personal and social narratives of 'success' as she grows up. Recognising the importance of process, the dangers of perfectionism and the need to let go, a little bit, so that one can be kind to oneself - these are all critical lessons that so many students and adults alike might pay attention to.  It is hard to imagine an internal change that will better set up anyone for success and happiness. This is the sort of learning that can come from deep reflection, without new academic content to master.  Bravo.